Life

On Shadows and Influencers

Categories Life, Other1 Comment on On Shadows and Influencers
Photo by Olya Mn on Unsplash

A few days ago, trying to find some answers about the continued failures of my life, I did a session with an astrologer who read my natal chart—“a picture of the sky when you were born.” I loved it because these sessions usually just confirm things I know or want to be told: “You shine bright and bring light to people with your warmth.” “You are a creator.” “Who took your self-worth?” 

After asking this question, which I had never heard before and honestly, caught me off-guard, she said I should do “shadow work” to figure out aspects of myself that I have suppressed or not acknowledged. So, I have been doing that. I found a questionnaire with many prompts, such as: “Who do you envy, and why?” “What are your personal core values?” and “What emotions typically bring out the worst in you, and why do you think this happens?”

Continue reading ➞ On Shadows and Influencers

Tuesday Morning in Suburbia

Categories Art, Life, Mental Health, UncategorizedLeave a Comment on Tuesday Morning in Suburbia

I want to say outrageous things. Like: “I wish I was only consciousness for a little while. No body, no brain, no mind. Only to observe and perceive the universe, from afar, unfeeling.” No mother should say such a thing. The selfishness.

I fantasize about becoming only consciousness for a little while. Also, to leave my bed unmade for a whole day.

I want to descend into the carnivalesque, Rabelais style. Let the excess take over. Like when I was a student and hid in my house for days with dozens of movies, watching one after the other without acknowledging the outside world or its wants from me. Let the body disappear behind the decadence. Leave only the eyes and the ears.

I want to cut my head and body off so I may feel better for a little while. Bottle the consciousness in a clear jar in the meantime. Put it on top of a shelf for when I’m ready to come back. No suburban mom should say such a thing. The madness.

I want to say outrageous things.

Image: Pieter Bruegel the Elder, “The Fight Between Carnival and Lent,” 1559 (Wikiart Public Domain)

To Bake is to Dream, to Dream is to Bake

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My first attempt at Princess Cake, the traditional Swedish layer cake

Sitting in my office in downtown Vancouver, an Excel sheet open in front of me, I daydream: “A fluffy sponge cake. Three layers. Rosewater buttercream. Soak the cake in lemon syrup. Fresh rose petals to decorate. A sprinkle of gold powder on top of the cake to finish.”

For a few minutes, I escape the reality of my job as a researcher and enter a baking fantasy, one of my secret internal worlds. That world, that compartment of my personality, is as much a part of me as my name, my hair colour, or the sound of my voice. «Cogito ergo sum», wrote Descartes, “I think, therefore I am.” I “bake, therefore I am.” Baking is synonymous with my name and my name is synonymous with baking. We are one.

Continue reading ➞ To Bake is to Dream, to Dream is to Bake

The Year That Was

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A late 2020 meme or trope has been circulating. It takes issue with people who are ready to say goodbye to 2020 and to welcome 2021. The criticism is that people are placing their hope on a new year as if the pandemic will magically disappear as soon as the clock strikes midnight on December 31st.

Continue reading ➞ The Year That Was

A 21st Century Mom of One Tries to Write

Categories Life, Other, Writing2 Comments on A 21st Century Mom of One Tries to Write

After she had vacuumed the carpet and gotten on her knees with a stain remover, spraying freely on the dark spots, the little cloth foaming with her scrubbing. 

After she had taken out the organics to the big bin in the garage, wiping the wet spot the paper “Bag to Earth” had left on the counter. 

After she had filled up the dishwasher, put the detergent in, and turn it on. 

After she had done the other dishes by hand, sprayed a bleach cleaner into the sink, and cleaned, dried, and put away a whole miscellanea of utensils and kitchen stuff.

Continue reading ➞ A 21st Century Mom of One Tries to Write

In Defence of the Bakers and the Little Joys

Categories Life2 Comments on In Defence of the Bakers and the Little Joys

It’s been a month since the lockdown started in our part of the world. The signs in Canada are that we are making progress in some parts of the country, while others have not seen the worst of their outbreak yet. 

It’s a picture that it’s reflected at the personal, individual level as well. Everybody is at a different place in their processing of the pandemic, and it’s important to respect where everybody is at any specific time. That’s why social media can feel even more tonally fragmented than usual, the bakers sharing photos of their goods, the writers and musicians rightfully depressed over the outlook of their industries, the working at home parents discovering the hardships and joys of spending every minute of waking life with their kids, the outrage at the handling of the crisis by some leaders (you know who I’m referring to). 

Continue reading ➞ In Defence of the Bakers and the Little Joys

Trying to Make Sense of the World During a Pandemic

Categories Books, Life6 Comments on Trying to Make Sense of the World During a Pandemic

The moment of the day when the reality of the situation continues to hit the hardest is the minute before I wake up.

Sometimes it’s in the middle of the night, sometimes at 5:00 am just before the alarm goes off. I go to bed thinking about coronavirus, and I wake up thinking about it. I’m sure it’s the norm right now for everybody. Our collective dreams must be made of this new reality.

Continue reading ➞ Trying to Make Sense of the World During a Pandemic

We are Pilgrims, in el Camino, and in Life

Categories Books, Life4 Comments on We are Pilgrims, in el Camino, and in Life

Narcissus was analytical, a thinker; Goldmund, a dreamer with the heart of a child.

Field and heath lay before him, dry, fallow stretches and dark forest. Beyond it might be farms and mills, a village, a town. For the first time the world lay open before him, wide and waiting, ready to receive him, to do him good or harm. He was no longer a student who saw the world through a window; his walking was no longer a stroll ending in the inevitable return. […] He was small in this large world, no bigger than a horse, an insect; he ran through its blue-green infinity. No bell called him out of bed, to mass, to class, to meals.

Herman Hesse, Narcissus and Goldmund

Continue reading ➞ We are Pilgrims, in el Camino, and in Life