On Shadows and Influencers

Photo by Olya Mn on Unsplash

A few days ago, trying to find some answers about the continued failures of my life, I did a session with an astrologer who read my natal chart—“a picture of the sky when you were born.” I loved it because these sessions usually just confirm things I know or want to be told: “You shine bright and bring light to people with your warmth.” “You are a creator.” “Who took your self-worth?” 

After asking this question, which I had never heard before and honestly, caught me off-guard, she said I should do “shadow work” to figure out aspects of myself that I have suppressed or not acknowledged. So, I have been doing that. I found a questionnaire with many prompts, such as: “Who do you envy, and why?” “What are your personal core values?” and “What emotions typically bring out the worst in you, and why do you think this happens?”

Monday Morning in Suburbia (new year edition)

I have tasted defeat. I am tasting it right now. 

It tastes like cold wax from burnt candles, hardened, sharp bits on your lips. 

I tried for four years. I tried to be more than I could dream of. I tried to have a single-line epitaph (“She wrote.”). But I failed. And the fire is all but extinguished. This is no way to start a year. But I am defeated. And I am tired. I am so tired. 

Please, do not bring God, or love, or children to this discussion. Do not bring any of that. Don’t tell me I’m ungrateful. Defeat is a solitary, wrenching conversation between abstract desires that only live in ephemeral form and have now disappeared. It has nothing to do with God, or love or children. 

To lose faith, to lose god, is one thing. To lose the fragile flame that flickers inside, to have it finally extinguished, is akin to a death. And there is no epitaph. 

On D-Day, Agust D walks a path toward growth, healing, and peace

D-Day album cover. Big Hit Music.

This article was written as a contribution to Bangtan Library

Released on April 23, 2023, Agust D’s D-Day represents the end of a trilogy that started in 2016 with the release of Agust D, Min Yoongi’s first mixtape under his alternate artistic persona Agust D. The two mixtapes offered a window into Agust D’s most personal thoughts and experiences, expanding on the themes and lyrics he had contributed to BTS’s discography under his main moniker, SUGA of BTS.

In Defence of the Bakers and the Little Joys

It’s been a month since the lockdown started in our part of the world. The signs in Canada are that we are making progress in some parts of the country, while others have not seen the worst of their outbreak yet. 

It’s a picture that it’s reflected at the personal, individual level as well. Everybody is at a different place in their processing of the pandemic, and it’s important to respect where everybody is at any specific time. That’s why social media can feel even more tonally fragmented than usual, the bakers sharing photos of their goods, the writers and musicians rightfully depressed over the outlook of their industries, the working at home parents discovering the hardships and joys of spending every minute of waking life with their kids, the outrage at the handling of the crisis by some leaders (you know who I’m referring to). 

Trying to Make Sense of the World During a Pandemic

The moment of the day when the reality of the situation continues to hit the hardest is the minute before I wake up.

Sometimes it’s in the middle of the night, sometimes at 5:00 am just before the alarm goes off. I go to bed thinking about coronavirus, and I wake up thinking about it. I’m sure it’s the norm right now for everybody. Our collective dreams must be made of this new reality.

A Healing Mind, a Healing Heart

I once wrote, without really believing it, that perhaps laughter is finite. I was once the chubby kid who danced in the middle of the kitchen to make her parents laugh. But I had forgotten what deep, carefree laughter sounded like, and for a while, it felt like I had used mine all up.